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The Unbearable Lightness of...Happiness


It is (still) January. plus it's  chinese new year today so I guess it is (still) relevant to talk about resolution. and Gong Xi fa Cai!

Talking about resolution, a lot of time it revolves around happiness. For some people it's a simple thing (and why bother to talk about it, so they say). But for a complicated and scattered brain like me, sometimes to talk about nonsense thing like happiness is just a bliss of its own. ;)

Happiness is a relative subject--Happiness for me may not be happiness for you--and this, everyone (should) agree. A suicide bomber would have in their heads, that they would get the 'river flowing with milk and honey' and the 20 maidens in the 'promised' heaven. In this case, happiness, for the suicide bombers are defined by these promises. Ok you're not a suicide bomber but point is, you can also ask yourself, what are the promises of happiness that you're expecting ? You can as well define the abstract concept as you like. Us Indonesians hail to the glory of this, of instance:

Muda Kaya Raya, Tua foya foya, Mati masuk surga
(roughly translated to Young living rich, Old living in luxury, and to go to heaven when you die)

But hey, are you sure, that if you are granted all those things, you're going to be happy? as well would you not be happy unless you get those?

Nonetheless, people want to be happy--and seems like they have the idea of what happiness is. Asking "what do you want in life", more often than not i would get the answer "I want to be happy". Maybe it's not your answer, but I hear this pretty a lot. For me, I just never understand this answer. I, have witnessed (too many times) that those who seems to have everything, are not happy, and those, who seemingly have nothing, are just radiant with happiness. This subjectivity of happiness is making me oblivious on how the Bhutan's Index of Happiness would work in any sense. So what constitutes happiness. Your Happiness? Those people who say "I want to be Happy"--what are they actually waiting for? How do happiness operate?

The Illusion (?)..
Only kids believe in the overly repeated Disney princesses tales' endings "...and they live happily ever after..". We are adult enough to understand that there's no such thing as "live happily ever after". Dear mate, Shit happens, with little s and big S, all kinds of it. We're shoveled dirts, all kinds of dirts all of our life. But what matters is, whether we use the accumulating dirt as a stepping stone, letting ourselves being buried by it, or *to quote the very cliche* "to turn it into a pearl"?.

It is not to say that I'm everytime Happy, I am not. Happiness can be easy (of course, when your loved one says 'I love you' or when you get a scholarship, a raise and promotion, or when you stroll in the park seeing the leaves falling,etc), but I'm here talking not about the intermittent Joy(s). Life is served to us like ocean tides, one after another. Along the journey, we pass through many ebbs and tides--*well, Indeed I tend to choose to sail in rougher sea. Calm sea is ...lame, right? *?. ...When you are at the top of the tide you are in bliss but when you are at the bottom, you know, pain-confusion-sorrow...emptiness. It is at these time when happiness is not readily available, that we need to ignite a process in our mind that force us to say that 'It's fine. I'm content, let's see how this goes'. It is this process and here, let me try to dissolve its articulation (at least in my own head), for me and for you. 

Fear of Happiness

To talk about the paradoxical point-of-view in seeing things, fear of happiness do exist. Some people say that it's a subset of depression, and probably as well, a subset of fearing to feel pain. I have this kind of fear from time to time--although more tending to the latter reasoning. Or to better define the feeling, for me it's more of a 'fear to utopism'. Whenever things go too good to be true--I am becoming wary, of what (pitfall) might comes next. 

However, overtime I have trained my mind to worry less and less about what might lie behind the green valley. Afterall, why would I want to be off-tuned with the feeling of joy, or sorrow? For this, I may have to be ready to have blisters in my heart, but is not a sorrow here,now and later worth the joy the other time? I have found worrying (that things will go awry or too swell to be true) to be the nastiest ghost of our mind. Whether your worry or not worry- does not change ANYthing. At the same time, I think we can keep a healthy dose of 'fear of happiness', for the sake of humility.


The other frequently visiting ghost is a sense of expectation, or more precisely, idealisation. This as well I strive to avoid (I say strive, as it is indeed hard to let our expections go!). As much as I can, I try to live as how it is, now--at this moment. A lot of people say that I lack of envisioning. I wouldn't say I'm not visioning, or sort to say, expecting (for 3, 5 years to come)--I do. But when life brings me to different things that I wanted, there's the option of your getting down because of it, try to get back where you were heading; or you can choose to make new life scenarios ahead, with the new starting point. And I choose the very latter, with a bit of the second one.

Maybe to imagine life as a rolling tide (as in stormy weather in the vast sea) is just too dark. I like to imagine life as a rolling hills or as unfolding dots. Dots of peaks of rolling hills ahead of you. At times you vision dots--as fas as the eye can see. We see vision dots as bigger dots--let's call it Big Dot (see 1). But  we all know life takes it tiny steps forward, not a leap and we can only see life as much far ahead--not too far. By each step, dot by dot revealed as time goes by. 

Life as rolling hills and unfolding dots ahead

What you don't usually realise in the beginning is that, in order to get to your Big Dot, the path is not as easy as it seemed. It may require multiple (other) factors and a lot of times, 'coincidences', for you to work your way there. You may need to bounce left and right (see 2).  And even, at times, you actually believed that you've strayed away from your Big Dot, but in the end, ends there anyway (suprise green lines at 3). I myself believe in making Big Dot and somehow life has guided me across my several Big Dots. That moment, when the green surprise line is just popping out of nowhere, that leads you back to your big dot, are always great surprise, miraculous moment. And when I think I have gone too far from the Big Dot, I'll just sail along. I'll just believe that there's still the Big Dot or even a Bigger Dot awaiting me (see 4).

What I don't stop doing, is doing whatever best on the things that I like doing with whatever dots I have at the moment. This way you'll never regret later on, or to complain at the point being, either. At some point, I would turn back and make connections, make meanings and hopeful thinking--not to think that "This must lead me to point X", but "This must mean something later, and maybe it ll involve point X". Or, actually a simple "Whatever" attitude as well helps!, as remember you make one Big Dot after another.  Who knows that the connection will only appear 10 years from now, not 5? A friend reminded herself over a lunch the other day "I need to know what I want in life". I seldom question myself the same thing, in fact I am actually more concerned about knowing what I like to do. and whether I am doing what I like to do--that brings me joy most of the time than not. 

Hence for me, happinesss is more than to accept (nrimo/pasrah, Que sera sera, red) ; it's an incessant brain and heart exercise that involves fine-tuning the ebbs and the tides, finding connections. Happiness, for me, is finding meanings. So, If I'm asked the question : Where to find Happiness? For me it's everywhere and it can even be almost anytime, IF you cultivate it. Even in the dimmest time of my life, there can be  meanings that may not be obvious at the time, there can be a lifetime lessons ready for us to cultivate--probably soon or in 5 years, OR it may as well only serve as sheer mellow nostalgic archive that we can rekindle to, anytime in our future. (Ain't being mellow and nostalgic great in rainy days, sometimes? me like it XD ). For any sorrow, any broken hearted, any tears, sweats and blood, someday, all these will make sense.  As I believe, we cannot ever appreciate Happiness if we have never felt any sorrow. we would never feel grateful if we never have lost anything in our life.

Even, as weird as it sounds, sometimes I feel happy when I'm in sorrow as I know I'll jolt higher later on, hopefully soon than later;  I feel happy that I'm given challenges and trials so that I can learn and be better; ...I can go on and on about this but more to think about this, the less I see reasons to be unhappy. 

These above are all forces from within. There are as well, forces that are attained through our relationship with people we care surrounding us. and With all humans in general. Relationships that renders you to be totally egoistic when you're unhappy. Bluntly speaking, I think you never deserve to be unhappy. I will share my ponder on this another time. 

To be happy is not to wait nor to pursue. It is to decide.

Happy happy happy. I share wonderful video made by the funky Laussanois (o missss that city), on Pharell Williams' Happy. Good Weekend and happy sailing in 2014!

Reading again my posts from earlier years (I've had this blog since 2006! wham I'm suddenly old !), my mind seems to mold itself slooooowwwly to its current state. Adding one layer of synapsis with another. I have posted something about fear of happiness experience here ; about..not to be worried about what lies ahead of us, and be pleasently surprised by life!, here; about being happy for little things, here. Am I just reiterating myself? reiterating and refining bit by bit, hopefully. :)

posted by scttrBrain
3:44 PM

7 put off the silence...Comment!!


What a wonderful world we live in..

posted by scttrBrain
2:32 PM

7 put off the silence...Comment!!

Overly-sensitized Music -- a therapy


Over three hours bouncing my feet on the dance floor, I felt ecstatic..letting my brain to function on its trance state, my body moves* according to the rhythm. Songs are selected from various decades, 60's, the 80's disco groove, even the Backstreet boys from my stupid teenage years! Clapping and swaying hands, stumping feet, dos-a-dos, How it was fun! but suddenly a song from the turn of the century was turned on, and somehow-- in an immediate reflex, my body stops moving.

My brain flipped over from its trance-euphoric state, to its sane, and then perplexed to somewhere far...The surging feeling that I got afterward was overwhelming--I felt suddenly so... vulnerable and sensitive... The stumping feet, the banging heads, swaying hands and happy faces of my friends surrounds me left me even further back at my little corner..and the happy music in the back drifts me lower to the pit of my head, scanning over box of archives set in my skull's grey labyrinth, flashing bits of colours and voices of people, bits of bliss and pains, all together.

danceabletragedy:  Bird Gif

Have you ever felt 'struck' by one or some particular songs? I know a lot of songs are meant to take you to your 'mellowest' state, to send you adrift and depending on your experience at that particular time, you would probably say 'oh it's so me!', associating self to the lyrics sung. Or I know those song using oh-so-superlative-heavenly notion that certain types of people feel 'crap' about themselves whenever they hear these kinds of songs.

But I'm not talking about these kinds of songs. In fact, a lot of songs that struck me are happy-tone songs. And no matter how the song should effectively be designed to drift your mood up, these particular songs actually struck me to the bottom of my emotional level.

I feel like one of Ivan Pavlov's dogs in his 'conditional reflex' experiment, who drools everytime the bells' ringing (as a sign that food is coming), even if the food is not actually served. Such musics act like the same stimuli as was the bell to the dog's brain. I know also everybody acts differently to music. In the spectrum of all humankind, I think i'm positioned in the 'more sensitive' tail. Is it a sign of a 'musical' person? I dunno, but I may have an introvert cognitive sensitivity as a study indicates this trait relates to how sensitive a person is to such stimuli (see Carl Jung's highly sensitive person study). Some other people (from observations of my friends), find also such stimuli in smells (like, the smell of aftershave of one's ex), and for me, for instance, certain albums may associates to some guy from the past, an old friend, or some sceneries that I saw during some travels that I did, or the stressed feeling on last days preparing high school exam.......you might have different stimuli.

Music, I have found is the best archival system to my memory. Each chronological scenes of my life can be mapped by certain set songs that I was hearing at a particular past events or time in my life. It is a background sound that accompanies my brain in dealing with surges of ups and downs. And, like all the propensity of 'scar' at bad events is always greater to good events, those songs accompanying me in my bad times are more deeply ingrained to my memory. Don't get me wrong, I don't get depressed really often. But hey we cannot deny that shit happens, can we?

For the reason that I find that emotions that I get when I hear a song is highly influenced by the emotional state I was when I heard the song, I realize that I should be more careful in choosing musics in my playlists especially at the time of depression. A rule is set :
  • I cannot hear 'good music' during my down-time, for simple reason that I don't want this good songs to make me feel bad later in life. For this, I have myself a 'so-so' songs playlists.
  • Or, if I would like to be melancholic (and the time and circumstance allows me), I would turn on old playlists that stimulates somewhat bad memories, and would soak my heart dry with it, the faster, the more efficient it is. ( I know I'm a masochist :D--but hey, it's a good thing that a song can make you cry. It makes you Human in some sense, no? ;p). of course, it's not just about bad memories to stimulate, you can actually pick which sensation you want to feel...which scene of your life you want to 'resurrect' by the song...
  • On the other hand, I would also start listen to new set of playlist with my considered good musics in the 'good times'--letting the playlists to be reminiscence of my good-ol-times--that would drift me up my emotional level whenever I want later in life.
I am basically playing Ivan Pavlov and using my own brain as my own experiment. :p and probably at some level I can use my playlists for my Abraham-Hicks' way of raising my 'vibrations', emotional level and attaining the Vortex. (Don't ask me more, or ask me what a 'vortex' is. I just figure it might work..)

The system, in my case works as my preference to music changes quite often from one time to another. I explore new musics all the time. This year it's folk indie (Andrew Bird, Fleet Foxes, Beirut, Bon Iver, and sorts) last year was synth-electronics female singers (Imogen Heap, Kate Havevnik, Sia, Lykke Li and sorts), the year before fusion mexican, spanish and baltic songs (Ojos de Brujo, Manu Chao, Natalie, Natalie lafourcade, and sorts) , proceeded by lounge-groove beats (Zero 7, Air, and sorts).

Between good and 'so-so', and 'crappy' music, for me it depends more on melodies, richness of sounds, the goosebumps effect, the jiggy-with-it effect, more than its lyrics. The lyrics can be as shallow as 'skinny dipping in the sea' (c'mon people you know what song this is), but I would call it good music nevertheless, if it has rich melody, rhythm and sounds.

I particularly love musician that acts more like 'sound engineers', exploring and producing sets of 'awkwardly beautiful' melodies from everyday object or their voice. The more complex, the more awed I get, as I know how f***ing hard it is to make awesome music (yea i tried, but my talent is just not there -_-), and I appreciate greatlythose musicians that takes me to eargasm. But anyway, just to remind you, (and only for you who are not so 'numb' musically...) that music can have really some power, to drive your feeling. It's a tool you can use readily :), and this is how I use it.

Ah well, I can list you some of my favorite musics here (in my goods, and in my bads), for souvenir...
Jack johnson, jose gonzalez, jamie cullum, john mayer,john Legend, james blunt, jamiroquai, Zero 7, Morcheeba, Goldfrapp, Air, Royksopp, Cardigans, Oasis, Incognito, Detektivbyran, Fleet Foxes,Yann Tiersen, Imogen Heap, Frau Frau,MGMT,Sia, Joe Hisaishi, Psapp, Passion Pit, Lykke Li, Beirut, Elsiane, Andrew Bird, Bon Iver, Vampire Weekend, Robyn, Manuchao, Kings of Convenience,Sigur Ros, Jonsi, Natalie Lafourcade, Manu Chao, Ojos de Brujo, Parov Stelar, The whitest boy alive, Florence n the machine and of course it's not all of it...

(ok, I probably didn't 'dance', but 'move according to the rythm' would be more appropriate :p)
(to you who knows me may think i'm not introvert, but I can get crazily, inwardly melancholic!)
(ok I am not blond, but the image is so beautiful anyway)

Labels: , ,

posted by scttrBrain
7:30 PM

9 put off the silence...Comment!!

here we roll again...

I would again start by rambling about 'excuses' on me abandoning my blog for helluva loooong time. This time, it's even more than a year.

Most precisely 1 year and 8 months since the last time I posted something (!!). I figure over these time, my writing skills (especially academically) has improved (or at least I wish that it has improved somewhat), but not my creative writing skills. While so, ideas--on what to write, on what to paint, has been bombarding my head all the time, but are left stranded without proper time nor effort on boiling them, or realizing them. Shame on me. I should not let myself inundated by all (information in our knowledge society !) that makes all the excuses not to write, or paint for the sake of my own self-expression ventilation.

I believe my blog deserves...a second chance.

posted by scttrBrain
7:14 PM

3 put off the silence...Comment!!

To get back in track and Swirl!


I know. Again. It's so dull late to make following kind of writing. 2010 resolution. Pffh. *Another?* I dunno even if I ever made one last year. I don't think so. Come to think of what I hadn't made any resolution post last year...In fact all along 2009, I had only several posts....Not that I'm lazy. Not that I had nothing to say. In fact last year 2009 was full of canon balls rushing in my head. So fast I hardly have time to think over and jot it down here before another come rush in. So there was it. I was tired just thinking about it. And nothing said.

In the mid of 2009 I posted something reflectional here. As I said in the post, 2008 was for me a blissful year, a year with tonza bless, and when everything seems so smooth like how I wanted it to be. Maybe I prayed to hard for all my wishes to come true--like a stubborn, while I didn't know whether those wishes were the best for me, but I was indeed hard on myself, and persistent! and of course God has always been giving, and there it was, all my wishes came true that very year.

Like bolts of lighting it came rushing into my first half of the year. I felt so blessed. Promotion, Lovelife, Scholarship, French excelling course, Going to Europe, Studying again. It was all dreams came true.

And when they say life is like a rolling tire :"you cannot be always on the top. sometime you'll be on the bottom"...I was precautious. Noting that I had felt blessed that year, I knew that the downfall will come soon or later. And it came after staggering downwards mood along december to february 09. And the sad part of the movie comes. All that I'd wished for and came true the other year, vanished. I had no moment to cry in despair. I could not let my tears blurs my vision that I needed at the utmost that moment. My brain was running crazy to grasp whatever I can hold to in order to breathe, survive and determine how this downfall might as well a good start for upward journey.

So I did everything I could, keeping my faith high as possible, making up my mind and sign myself back into track, as early as January 09. So that was actually the only thing that I had wished for in the early 2009. Nothing Else. To get back into the right track and hoping that this time--despite all things-- I have made my mind clear enough to discern my capacity and passion in life, and not again to stumble into wrong tunnel in life. As simple as that. Nothing grandious. But to realize later, that early 2009 was helluv-an important point in my life.

So that was it. Getting back into track was all 2009 was about. A year was really long time, eh? But along the side, I learnt things that I wouldn't have learnt otherwise. I had to choose in between tracks, and sometimes bewildered of the choices. I was noting insistently, that we can have thousand wishes, but He is the one who knows your need. Due to that I learned not to expect so much of myself, and not being so stubborn and smartass, and just enjoy life and embrace what it offers to the greatest extent. I learnt to forgive myself quickly when I made mistakes and make up. I focus on the things that were important, and learned hard way that my passion is my only guiding light. Where there's passion, there's the way to pursue. Without which I'm going nowhere. I would plan, but left some spaces at every moment to swing all sides. and I swing! And everything else would fall into place. Insya Allah.

Only at the very beginning of year 2010 I felt like I am indeed already back on track, and alhamdulillah on the track--I think--I'm meant to be. I feel dearly in passion in what I'm studying and that's probably the only force I'm needing to continue move on. I freely admit that I don't know how to do things right now. What I will do next 6 months and so forth. But I'm clinging on my passion--for that's all there is. And I know that this 2010 I want to live a rich, magnificent, inspiring, motivated, productive and passionate life. How? I don't know exactly but I'm planning (I know it's February already but you'd never cease planning, would you?)

I'll explore, and swirl--As I now know, life is not like a tire but it creates this spiral motion, once your up, and once your down, that's true, but you're never in the same point and you'll move faster and faster into the abyss of the spiral--or the pinnacle of the spiral--or life objective, you name it. And your spiral is not at all the same as mine. But maybe it's as exciting, depending how you put the pen and let it roll...

Well my couch-potato days to explore and plan is immensely reduced officially today as next monday i'll be back in class--but hopefully this little bit of fire sparks the upcoming months to its fullest speed. and maybe yours too!

GodSpeed! ^^

nb : Relating to what I have written back in 2006, here, I partly got the answer of my question that indeed, play with your strength and don't put some much time bothering to make up your weaknesses!

Labels: , ,

posted by scttrBrain
4:10 PM

2 put off the silence...Comment!!

Happy New Year 2010


These belows are snapshots of my Facebook status all 2009 year-long.... It's super messy, but anyway, this place is always where my brain scattered :p



same ol year same ol question...● burung bercicit di pagi 2009...ciciciciccuuwiiittt... ●is praying for the canons to fall silent... ●: and the US plans massive arms delivery to Israel?!#@!#! what d F*..!#@!●: when nature calls... ●wonders whether this is optimism...or...pasrah? tipiisss yeeii :-P :-P ●baru ngeh ada plurk2an...another internet devil... ●misses beaches soo much!! ●is tryin' english pirates-translated-facebook--Confarrrrrrmmaation! ^_^ *Cute!* ●is on Plan C, and the vacation is on tomorrow!! ●is glancing on the star-canopied nite...can I bring home just one of 'em



enchanted by the marvellous of vienna!! fufufu *and thanks for marina n the new -super great-family!!!!! ●cabz besok...humm●is lingering in Prague....*malass cabuutt*●is now in munich...the vacation is almost over.... :( sniiifff

sets back to lausanne....and here we go again... ●is collecting souls... ●is numb. -_-●smile...and everything's gonna be alrite :D●=d●: should I cut my hair? ●smells spring already.....hummhh fufufufu



is in love w/ the new place...maw! ●Do you like this new lay out of FB? me, rrr...kok jadi sumpek ya●to FB: why do I have to think of what I am thinking of ? ●I feel 23 for a veeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy long time than a mere year...fyuh. a long year indead. ●THANK YOU EVERYBODIEE!!!!:D LOVE YOU ALL !!! :D ?*BIG HUGS HUGS HUGS KISS KISS KISS*....●aduhh....semua2....terharuuu biruuu dirikuuuuhh....thank youuu yaa *oh tout le monde....merci bcoup bcoup...je vous embrasse tout tout!* ●is gleefully playing w/ the new flexaret.... :p●so....are you happy? :) ●It was a great surprise....Thank you all guys....!! :D aahh...heppii●is already feeling lonely in the new place....no matter how beautiful it is.. maah..



wants to sip the nectar of life... humm●crossroads ahead... >_< .... ●is getting immersed in the limelight de l'avenir....mwaaahh!! :D●I loooouuurrrveeee sprrriinnnngg!!! :D●...is in serene happiness.... :) ●.....memantapkan hati.... >_<●collecting souls....again. ●enlightening myself.... :D●....hening... :-| ●...tsk.



what do you want to do when you're 60 ? ●happy saturated-day!! ^_^●happy sunny-day!! ^^V●c-mon working day!!

Never settle. Never. ●Alhamdulillah.... ^_^●...finger crossed.... >_<●....tanda tanya [?] menghadirkan lebih banyak kebijaksanaan.... ●great pique-nique, great nap by the lake..., great chocolate viennois....avec les meilleurs amis trop trop jolie....aah..Un jour Parfait parfait *pas forcement, mais OUI!*... :D●just made herself the best fish she'd ever cooked. kekekke●wonders when she`ll be able to pay them back... ;^( ●...................................(isiin doong...) ●failed attempt. -_- khe khe●mood swings......v i o l e n t l y. >_<●aaa..hari ini tidak thunderstorm lagi kek kemaren?? lalala...*keluar ahh*

sunny outside....cramped inside. mah.>_<



Roma Kek Dawet!! ●to what extent do we self-construct and self-invent ? ●got herself inspired by the new idol.... maaahhh *blink blink*●wanting to leap out of the grey. soon. -__-●♥♥♥♥♥Life is a beautiful thing. Pack a bag, make a playlist. Watch the world. Don't speak. Just listen - In a Silent Way, Miles Davis ●I am(sterdam) ●today, it's one year in Europe! ^_^●h.a.r.e.u.d.a.n.g !! summer's officially coming!



"There is no passion to be found playing small in settling for a life that is less than the one are capable of living." - Opa Nelson Mandela●You see, I want a lot / Perhaps I want everything : / the darkness that comes with every infinite fall and the shivering blaze of every step up - R A I N E R M A R I A R I L K E●Mbok ya akang Jacko didenger :" `There are people dying If you care enough for the living make a better place for you and for me....`.....uhuhuhu kenapa si orang2 ini maen2 bom2an!!!!!@#!@$!@!! ●katanya ada tsunami lagi...-_- smoga tidak terjadi yaa... ●"We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future" G E O R G E B E R N A R D S H A W



sebel ama si oporrrrtuuuunnniiiiissss oppppoooorrrrtuuuunniiiissssss iiiittttuuu!!!!!! *mending opor ayam, pake ketupat. ya gak?* ●feels like painting.... ●temans2kiiii ●isn't it too late to be pessimistic?! AYO INDONESIA! BERSATU KITA BISA!! LANJUTKAAAN!!! ●Met sahurr pertamaa!! :D *maapin eyk ya temans2....slamat berpuasa bagi yang menjalankaan*...●if we need to go quickly, go alone. If we need to go far, go together. we need to go far, quickly. ●Am I truly grateful for each breath that I take, For each and every moment that I am awake? ●pernak.pernik



sudah di BALI !!!! :D●feels truly blessed. :D●hopes that simplifying is that simple.... :p●The Boat that Rocked really is the ultimate feel good movie....crying of happiness I was, watching it! kekekekeke●Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin....lebaran pada dimana niihh?? :) ●on social networks --'It's not what you know [that counts] - it's who you know!' (Putnam) :p●Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones that you did do. Explore. Dream. Discover -- M a r k T w a i n


kubz Punkymood

“After all these years, I am still involved in the process of self-discovery. It's better to explore life and make mistakes than to play it safe. Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.” -- S o p h i a L o r e n●sugar on asphalt *_*●Faith is a process of leaping into the abyss not on the basis of any certainty about "where" we shall land, but rather on the belief that we "shall" land.-- Carter Heyward●It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power (ALAN COHEN)



trying to calm the winds that bring waves and storms into the mind... ●the history of humanity : 99% paleolithicum 0.99% neolithicum 0.01% Tololithicum●Tralalalala One Finished. NEXT! ●Since when being happy is not a free-will ? ●Geneva is in rage!!! (wOot)


kubz Punkymood

..I AM H.A.P.P.Y :D, SIMPLEMENT . ●wanting +2 weeks!! ●Mystère sur facebook : Appuyez sur : Haut, Haut, Bas, Bas, Gauche, Droite, Gauche, Droite, b , a , Enter , Click : Des cercles apparaissent. Si ça marche, copiez et collez ceci dans votre Statut !!! Et ça marche!!!!!!!!!!! (click on up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, Enter, Click--and see the flares!!! try it) ---- I'm so bored I need this kind of idle time :p●Another week to goooo !!! courage ! ●tsk. again?!! ●todaay i'm on my waayy....:p●@ Banská Štiavnica :D●would this year's solution be another re-solution ? :p

Terbitkan Entri....

This last one and a half year has been truly a roller coaster ride, where I was once up, stumbling down, trying to inspire self, and brought myself up again for the next thrill...These above are my states of mind, captured in Facebook for the whole 2009....Of course, in facebook, unlike in financial information, positive sides are more amplified than negatives one, but anyway, this is quite some souvenir I can keep all year forward... :p without regret, to live life to the fullest, like I've been, and to further sip its nectar.

L I F E is simply .... B E A U T I F U L ! ! ! :)

Let's embrace 2010 with more Hope, Faith, and Love

Prague, 31 dec 2009

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posted by scttrBrain
3:50 PM

11 put off the silence...Comment!!

A glimpse on 2 weeks student's diet :p


One of my friend got really curious on what I consume each day...so...well, why not ? I don't bother capturing pictures of what I eat... So...These 7 dishes are exactly what I've been eating this last 2 and a half weeks. Each dish can last for 2 days..., in between which, for breakfast I'd consume cereal + yoghourt (and fruit, if I'm not lazy...:p)..., and on other occasion, when it's super cold outside when i'm frozen and lazy...instant noodle is the best (though it's strictly some 1 time a week quota)... ;)

1. Capcay !! Brocolli + Carrots + Scrambled Egg + Chicken sausages shimmered w/ some soy sauce (Kecap ABC!)**

2. Spinach Quiche (+ spagheti inside), this is the best quiche in the world! spinach quiche. no other quiche beats it. and it's easy to make...yumm...**

3. Chicken with Tom Yum Cheese sauced spaghetti (You'd never know oriental tom yum paste would perfectly marry occidental cheese, no? ^^ thanks to my love who made it.. fufu).......rr...the taste? nyumm... it's surprisingly yummy :p ***

4. Eggplant + Chicken with Green Thai Curry Paste (tastes a lot like opor, if you wish)... **

5. Tomato chili (+ Red Bean and Mushroom) spaghetti *

6. Brocolli + Cheese with Rice *

7. Salmon fish + Fenouille + cheese + butter + paprica+tomato + mushroom put in 180 degree oven for...45 minutes(?)--- I dunno what recipe this is, I was just craving on fenouille and salmon and put it all together....to assure you, it's suppperrr delicious*** .

Note :
* Lazy mode dish, not requiring brain nor time....and resources are always relatively available (I always stocks spaghetti, mushroom, redbean, tomatos...cheese! ^^)

** Frequent dish, not requiring brain but requires some resources, and time

***Supper Yummy, and I'd say, original (made for the first time in this last 2 weeks...)
And...in fact I don't have any kitchen, I just have one portable stove installed above a carton box filled with books--and one (also) portable fridge. But for me, I am what I eat. whahahaha, so whatever the condition, I cannot compromise on this one--and I lurrve cooking, anyway!!

Here you go, ma friend, hope now you're satisfied :p .....I wont be making archive of what I eat like this no more I think, I'd just invite you for dinner. ^^

My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)

At the moment :
BOOK | Nick Hornby (How to be Good) & Yasmin Khadra (ce que le jour doit a la nuit --Algerian Roman) :: MOVIE Not seeing much recently but : Into the Wild, Rita Vogt, District 9 | MUSIC | Brasilian Musics, Ojos de Brujo, St. Germain Lounge Tunes, Les Negresses Vertes, Tembang 90-an (KLA Project n friends, hohoho) I desperately need music upgrade

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posted by scttrBrain
3:51 AM

11 put off the silence...Comment!!

Idling Me in Creative Mode ...


August 2009...
While for months I'm in transition mode, paving my foot for what I'm looking up in life, short and long term....this August, I kind of stray frommy worries a bit and just do what I like to do, without no regard of what I'll do in long term basis. Well actually the first half of the month I'd been dwelling with some administration thingies, and the other half, i'd been doing an old hobby :p (well it had never have a chance becoming a hobby either---despite my drawing hobby since I was a child, but I used to like it when I did it, 11 years ago!).....It's.......painting!!! I'm SOOO CRAVING OF PAINTING!!!*It's like pregnant woman with the crave--sorta like I guess :p*

I have only some 5 days left until I move to Prague (I'm in Frankfurt by the way)..., I thought of dropping the idea but I want it badly and I don't know when I'll be able to do it again if not now. So I head to IDEE store in frankfurt (which I should note here, is superb with its 3 storey store full of ooh-aah appareils for artists--stickers, emblems, painting materials, artsy wallpaper you name what you want to make, they have everything that you need!) I used to play with oil paint years ago although I remembered it was smelly (d-Uh, of course, like tarpentine)..., dirty, takes REALLY some time to dry....and after all consideration, I picked acryllic paints instead of oil paints after also getting flash tutor by the store-lady. I bought it along with palette, brushes and paint knife *weee this is the first time I play with paint knife* ....

The good thing about acrylic paint are that : it dries fast --means you also have to paint fast, though; and it only requires water and soap to clean the brush--hence, not smelly, and clean; and voila, I got home, set my 50 cm x 50 cm canvas by the window to get enough available light, and start sketching. Painting, is really a mean of self-expression. I was not having in mind about how it's going to end when I started. Every dashes, and especially every colour that I picked was just ...Just Because. (Of what? I dunno...>_< )I just did it!

....sketching and the whole painting process took 3 days--which is quite tiring, but I am trying to finish fast.....and in the end, I'm quite surprised of what I see of my own painting.... :

Which, for me, is some reflection of myself at that very moment. Laying back--maybe in beautiful prairie of flowers, but still, restless. Well, in fact also some of my friends interpret the same, I dunno if you can see likewise or not....well, nonetheless, VOILA, my first painting (again) after yeeaaaarrrs.....I cannot say it's some masterpiece of whatever, but I guess it's not bad for somebody who hardly paint, eh ? hahaha....I'll be doing this again in my idle time for sure.

Before I go to Indonesia, in Prague I started another idle time filling activities, this time I'm starting a self-project on Indonesian culture appreciation blog (or tumblr, if you wish), namely Pernak.Pernik...which for more, you can always consult the tumblr site yourself, and comment :D

Art activities may be my only justification of being idle. Well, at least It's not complete crap either, though, rite? :p

So that how August ends, and I embrace the busy new beginning of September 2009!! (w0Ot)!! Xp

posted by scttrBrain
3:20 AM

4 put off the silence...Comment!!

Trust, How Are You?


Trust - a simple word but indeed a key ingredient to ANY relationships: boyfriend-girlfriend, parents-children, husband-wife, neighbours, and oh how it's so critical to the functioning of any good society. Despite the simplicity it may sound, Trust is a concept that is really hard to implement. In any boy-girl relationships, it requires first 'trustable' characteristics--whatever that means to you--records with ex-relationships, parents' marriage, commitment, you name it, it may be endless . In neighbourhood, it requires frequent quality mutual interaction in order 'trust' can be embedded in every soul, to every another soul. In bigger scope, society, trust is never easy. Even trust buil in centuries of civilization can falter in a minute of misconduct.

With trust, there'd be no fear, no worry, carefree in living everyday life. There'd be no use carrying knife everyday to school, There'd be no fear of conducting praying in religion that you believe in in public space. Well, a calm surface doesn't always mean nothing occurs below it. But harmonious-look on the surface would certainly help trust building, wouldn't it?

The surface? yes. The environment, in society plays BIG role. Appereance, on the surface again, is important. One instance where appereance seems to be trivial but truly is crucial in society : It had required New York Government to prove its Broken Windows theory, eliminating wall-graphity act for 6 years until it finally create its default sounder environment. Grafitti, it had believed, was the symbol of the collapse of the system--who would have thought ? who would have bought such idea? but it had proven working. Another on appereance, it's also norm to well-dress yourself when you're trying to stop a car for hitchhiking. No kidding. How would you expect trust to be put on you if you're dressed in dirty clothes and have some odour of 3-days-not-changed socks? Although on the other hand, some instance of banning jilbab in public spaces or university in some countries, does not at all promote trustworthy society, and even cause backlashing anger within.

Where everything is neat, organized, and everybody seems to be living decent life in whatever faith and believe they'd like to live, it's rather easy to built trust. In this part of the world i'm living now, I would not hesitate to hitchhike with anybody on my travel to another country or anywhere nor would I hesitate to accept couchsurf requests or demanding someone's couch to sleep over in my journey. Moreover, one might not hesitate to invite a beggar outside to stay over for the nite (Which I doubt I would do likewise in Jakarta, no matter how angelic I am). There's less worry, and hence, less prejudging. This is a trust built in society--not merely individual trusts. This is rather a kind of trust that people crave to live in--to live in peace.

There's no guarantee that a society where there was no corruption, no bribe nor terorism bombing attempt would really trust one another, either. But where these acts are common, it's next to impossible to build trust. So where's the position of our trust in Indonesia society nowadays? Bhineka Tunggal Ika('Unity in Diversity') that we still endearly praise is a kind of societal concept hardly exist in other nations and it's been builing trust for centuries of civilization in Indonesia. We should hold and live it proudly as well. But still, we cannot close our eyes that the value erodes. There are malicious minds sipping in our brains that aims at separating us apart. I wouldn't say that these crazy bomber guys are Indonesian citizen. They're not educated to be one nor would they try to be one and save the country, they're not loving Indonesia, and more universally, they're not even loving any other human!

Surely what had made them such bloody-bombastic-killers is already a big socioeconomic issue to sort out, but I'd also like to think about how it affects trust. This bombing is not going to make trust more easily built, left alone it's making it much more devastated. Not to mention parties of politics who are using such miserable event to black-sheep other parties! How they're ignorant and instead of fighting againts the terorists they're splitting people apart! This is the least that we need. We need to be together and not let these negatives thoughts of prejudging, doubt, mistrust, sipping in our brain. The lack of trust--despite the personal freedom--wears on people. The lack of trust--with personal freedom--significantly backlashes on society as well! It's becoming more and more essential to keep our head hard and cool while trying to also make our heart warm and softer to embrace, respect and love people-no matter how and from where they belong. If you do respect and love, would you dare to bribe from them? would you dare to terrorize them? would you not trust them? Isn't it--to put it other way--takes much more energy and resources to fight rather than to live in peace?.....But,
a soft heart --loving and embracing alone is not enough of course.

It's no easy task. I'd say first we have to be responsible. If we expect others to be trustworthy, we have to lift ourselves up to be trustworthy in the eyes of those we must live around—and through our actions show them that they should follow suit. For which we need to stop pointing fingers and focus on sharpening our hard skill and making our head harder and cooler as much as our effort to soften (and enlighten!) our heart. Intentions is as useful as a bike for a fish without any action following it. It may as well require 3 more generations to make a really sound, respectful and trustworthy society. But it's nothing impossible no? We have indeed the strong base, we have to keep away the things that makes it stumbling even further and rebuild.

So? let's unite and make a better future for our society! ^^V

hm.. As i'm still living here, it may sound hypocrit or whatever, but I do care and feel utterly sad... :(. hope to walk to talk soon, though

My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)

At the moment :
BOOK | Globalization and its discontent, Joseph Stiglitz & Development as Freedom, Amartya Sen's :: MOVIE | Red Dwarf Series :: MUSIC | Brasilian Musics, Eddie Vedder's (He always rocks!)


posted by scttrBrain
4:09 PM

9 put off the silence...Comment!!



:) I wonder if some of you are now actually sneezing, out of reading my line above. Maybe if you'd wanted to sneeze, you've been perpetually sneezing by now. Or If if you hadn't wanted to sneeze, you'd want to sneeze now. :p Have you?

Sneezing is one of the most contagious act of all. If you see somebody wanting to sneeze, you'll mostly be ignited to sneeze all the while. Amongst other gestures and acts we can also lists some which can influence others on doing the same. Maybe in that very click of the moment, or after quite some while. It's the contagiousness factor of these acts. What you do. What others do. Affects others and affects you. As human being, it's inevitable that we're interconnected to our surroundings....*unless you're put in an asylum *. which you're not, of course.

I'd been reading Malcolm Gladwell's book the Tipping Point and had found that his points are truly reflective of our everyday lives, despite how subtle it may seem. *FYIWIT(For your Information, What I think) it's a truly interesting book for those up for Phsycology, Marketing, Business, Public Relation, Communication, Mass Communication, Anthropology, Sociology...You name it! It's a book for everybody!* Amongst his various topics...I'm interested in peering into the 'Contagiousness' .

He pointed that
The Tipping point is one dramatic moment in an epidemic when everything can change all at once.
Owh. This is already too hard. I dunno when I'd be able to shake community and my surroundings and 'everything'. I'd probably able to nudge a bit of it. Just bit. so perhaps....I'd be doing....bit by bit (just remembered that NKOTB song 'Step by Step Ooohh Babbbyy'! :p). Well, just like this sneezing effect of the first line. Imagine how you could also 'create epidemic'. Hm now we can set this sneezing example away and take up some positive, beauty from the inside of you. What kind of contagion are you willing to spread?

I'm not talking about 'radical change, the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point' as noted in the book....I'm more into seeing how we could affect our surroundings in everyday life. One really contagious act I'd really try to share is...TO SMILE.

Have you ever walked down the alley and passed thru a stranger who throws you a smile? It may seem subtle. but smile is a smile everybody can recognize. For the very base of being human, you'd also smile back, no? *if you're not smiling, it may be because the stranger is rather kinky, flirty, or ...perhaps it's you that's lacking of 'human side'?* hehe...

Me? Smiling is not my default face but I'm most certainly be smiling back. More likely, I'd be trying to hold gaze with the stranger on the passing by lane and put a bit of smiling face and expect them to smile back *hey i'm no freak and I don't think my smile for strangers are exxagerated, freakish, nor flirteous--it's just simple smile reflected also in the eyes ;p--I hope *. Dissappointingly, not rare that they'd throw their face and see straight to the pavement, not bothering to smile back. But by then I'd try to hold gaze with the next passer by :p. It may matter if in fact you're feeling blue and doesn't feel like smiling...But believe me, if you try, at least you're making somebody else happy. Well, In the little village i've been living these months, it's rather easy because there's not so many people around. It's rather common to say 'Bonjour, Bon Journee' to passers by, swapping smiles all the way. And in some occasions people are interested in some sort of 'exotic' face I have that they might even 'stare' at me :p --In any case, I'd smile. I know, It'd be frustating to try to gaze to people while walking in Jakarta, or in Mall Ambassador where there are MOB of people.

Smiling is one idea, and product, and messages, and behaviour that spreads just like viruses do. It's the idea of happiness. Just by seeing people smiling, you'd be sensing in yourself some form of happiness. Maybe you're not thinking about YOUR happiness, but more of his or her. And knowing that somebody is utterly happy, DOES make you happy. Doesn't it? Even if he/she's total stranger to you. Good Ideas though, is as easily spread as Bad Ideas. Peeking some in financial theory, negative news is even spread more abruptly than positive news. making the information distribution is skewed more to negative side.

So please beware of the negative aura or idea that you might spread as it might devastate people around you even more than you are yourself....and let's focus on the positive side. Dig in yourself and surely it's mostly important to be happy from within. After, never too shy to embrace all the channels...Be wise and express yourselves as nowadays we're individuals connected to individuals. Of course, It's not just becoming easier and easier to spread some contagion, but also to be infected--for which, we have to behold and be wise. Be wise, in reveiling and spreading things, and be wise in filtering informations coming in. Compared to examples in Tipping Point book on Contagiousness that evoke in decades back, I believe epidemic spread multiple times faster and in multiple dimensions it were at.

Let's also see it as blowing soap buble to the air....It may vanish, but while it's there floating in the air, it's so mesmerizing people would take a look. How long the buble stays, it's a matter of 'stickiness' factor. There's no need to rush blowing the bubbles--even you cannot blow too hard--unlike sneezing! and you can add some stick to add more bubbles, aite?...

Nowadays, it's no more country to country nor company to company relationship that matters. Everybody's holding their own sake. It's between you and me. and all the others around. So, in the light of contagiousness, What Idea / product/ message/ behaviour/knowledge you'd like to spread?, How would it make your surrounding a bit of a better--if not worse-- environment? In this era of interconnected world (oh it sounds superfluous, though it may really is and I'm a bit overwhelmed!).., imagine how openwide channels can help you spread your ideas, the way you think, evoking the beauty inside you, that shines and radiates....!

So...er....I'm ready to be infected! Please!

BOOK | The Blue Sweater, Jacqueline Novogratz (she's truly my idol!!) and Development as Freedom, Amartya Sen, :: MOVIE | IT Crowds, Taegukgi, brotherhood of war :: MUSIC | Jose Gonzales and Morcheeba. still :: GAME | Heroes III

posted by scttrBrain
3:34 PM

5 put off the silence...Comment!!

. m . e . m . e . n . t . o .


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